He’s a really sweet man, he has a family, and grandkids, and he’s lying there with his white hair and beard. On the first day of my inpatient medicine, he taught me how to do the heart exam on him. We saw him everyday, he was our cheerful patient, he will go home in a week. Then one morning, he looked a little sad, we talked and patted his shoulder, telling him to hang in there for us. So…it hurts, like hell, when you type his name into your computer the next morning and the computer pops up with the message “pt deceased at 1630, click ok to continue to records.” He went uroseptic, then shock, without a fever.
He wasn’t the only one to die, I’ve only been on medicine for a few wks, I’ve seen more death than I’ve bargained for.
Patient B has an 8cm cholangiocarcinoma, I stood there watching my attending break the news and watch his daughter’s world shatter in 5min. I watched her crawl into her father’s arms while he comforted her on how this is all “part of life.” How is his cancer part of life?
Patient C has ALS, he was walking and bouncing in July. In October, he can’t move anything. 1 finger means yes, 2 means no. Every morning we have the same question, “are you in pain?” He answers with 2 fingers. Until 2 mornings ago, we spoke with him about “how hospital may not be the best place for him.” Tears came out of his eyes, I’ve never seen a frozen face cry before, and we cried together. The pain is deeper than anything I’ve ever known.
They wrap their bodies in an American flag and we see families say their last good-byes. I once wrote about how much I wanted to be a doctor for the “people.” People is something I was rarely hesitant to open up to, to reciprocate, to let in. Now, I can tell you, I keep a wall between my patients and I. A wall so I can survive medicine, and they can get objective care.