“We need to talk…I think it’s unfair for you to sit there and wait for me”
I closed the call room door. The sounds from my pager is fading into the busy background of the hospital.
“I think the traveling has created some distance.”
I continued to listen to the rest of this conversation. Each word he said began to erase the last 4 months we had enjoyed together. the amazing San Jose skyline, the kiss under the stars, the concerts and the dancing, and those little secrets about our childhoods.
It took all of me to keep my composure and tell him that it’s okay, I had nothing further to say about him no longer feeling the excitement, and that I must not be the right person after all.
But you see M, I knew better than your words. Because holding in all of my dignity and self-respect, my calm demeanor locked away all of the following that I could’ve said to you. But I didn’t…because you – in your still 20 year old mentality, boyish naivety of the Silicon Valley engineer bubble culture – would have been too technical to appreciate what I could have said.
So Dear M,
You didn’t feel the butterflies in your stomach after 4 months, and that’s okay, it’s normal, it’s the extent of how long our brain is capable of producing Dopamine. Honestly, after 15+ dates, I didn’t feel any more butterflies either, and it didn’t matter… because I know, 10 years from now, the things that I would love about you has nothing to do with chemistry, excitement, smart banter, awkward humor, the wine and dine. I know in 10yrs, you would know that we share the same values about family and education and life, that we would be the most amazing of friends, and I am always trustworthy, and eternally loyal to those I cherish.
I know I’m right, because I stand bedside with those dying of terminal illnesses, and it is the friendship, companionship, and steadfast loyalty that preservers through anything and everything…not chemistry, not butterflies.
But you robbed yourself of that chance, whether you were scared, or you were too busy. You told me once how difficult it was to meet the right person in Man Jose. I thought what a tragedy it would be for someone like you to live a life without extraordinary love. But now I know, that the biggest tragedy is in your pursuit of the “girlfriend 2.0″, the “next big thing,” the stimulation and the constant challenge, you would have missed the right person even if she stood in front of you. And for that…I’m sorry.